Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
