Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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