so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
