I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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