My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
