My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize