Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
