everyone is single if you try hard enough
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
