I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
