I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
