Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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