its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
