I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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