oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
should my penis look like a turkey
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
