Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
