i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
