I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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