just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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