I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
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