Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize
