You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Randomize
