don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
