Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Sober January is a disaster.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
this is an emotional support booty call
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
