Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
