Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
