Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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