Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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