im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
