2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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