Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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