i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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