I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
