Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
