I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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