As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
