How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
