I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
