We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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