wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
