I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
