So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
