Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
