Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
