i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
