I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
