when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
