When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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