to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
