Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize