Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
