guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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