When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
tell me about the eggs
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
