You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
