Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize