They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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