did you get engaged???
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
