I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Randomize
