Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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