I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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